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I'm a consulting astrologer and I have a chart service called THE COSMIC COMPUTER. If you'd like to see what your natal chart or horoscope (that's Greek - HORO means "the hour" and SCOPE means "to view") looks like, I can calculate one for you and send samples and information about the chart interpretation reports I prepare, if you'll just cover my nominal postage and handling. I'm a member of the American Federation of Astrologers (AFA), the National Council of Geocosmic Research (NCGR), the International Society for Astrological Research (ISAR), and the Michigan Federation of Astrology (MFA). I subscribe to a code of ethics and have a spiritual & commonsense approach to astrology. Astrology involves much more than just your Sun Sign & I welcome the opportunity to show you that. TO RECEIVE YOUR SAMPLE CHART: Send your clearly printed name, address, birth date, exact birth time and birth place, and $1.00 to cover postage and handling to: B. ROSE FINE Crazy Wisdom Web Offer 3769 Fieldcrest Lane Ypsilanti, MI 48197 I'll send you a copy of your natal chart and sample pages of your chart interpretation. Just one chart per address, please. This offer is limited to snail-mail. Now, for you Aries types who have to have it NOW, I can offer you an immediate gratification e-mail fix. E-mail me (bonrosefine@comcast.net) your birth date, exact birth time & place (city or town and state or country) of birth and I will e-mail you back the degree and sign placements of your Sun, Moon and Ascendant. Please, one request per e-mail address. If you are interested in a consultation, please e-mail and inquire about my fees. I do chart readings by appointment, in person or by telephone. This page is a happy conglomeration of information about my chart service, my work as an astrologer, information on an astrology study group, spiritual perspective, articles about astrology, bad poetry and humor. I may add child-raising tips and recipes in the future. I ALSO COORDINATE THE ASTROLOGY STUDY GROUP OF WASHTENAW COUNTY (ASGOWC) The Astrology Study Group of Washtenaw County is an informal and friendly gathering of serious astrology students and professionals who have been meeting since 1994. We use our association for networking, engaging speakers, book recommendations, carpooling to and sharing rooms at astrological conferences, and astro-babbling (cheerfully chatting about astrology). As one of the Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti (Michigan) area's best resources for astrology, we're even responsible for a 5th house activity which became a 7th house event (a romance which turned into a marriage) on 1/1/01! During our monthly meetings, discussions focus on delineating members' natal charts, reviewing astrological basics, and presenting special reports on matters of interest to astrologers. We are often joined by longtime area professionals such as Richard Smoot and others. Astrologers of all levels are welcome. Meetings of the Astrology Study Group of Washtenaw County (ASGOWC) are generally scheduled one Sunday afternoon per month from 3 to 5 PM. E-mail me (bonrosefine@comcast.net) for location and directions. Our regular meetings are absolutely free. If you'd like to be on our e-mail newsletter list and receive updates on our meetings and activities, we'd be glad to include you. Just e-mail me your interest. I HAVE SEEN THE FOLLOWING LIST IN MANY DIFFERENT PLACES AND HAVE FOUND THESE TO BE USEFUL GUIDELINES FOR HOW I DO MY LIFE, SPIRITUAL WORK, AND PRACTICE OF ASTROLOGY: The Rules for Being Human (Source Unknown) You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this round. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works." A lesson will be repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here." Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. The answers lie inside you. The answers to Life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust. You will forget all this. You can remember it whenever you want. Since we learn from our mistakes, it's good to make some really big ones! Here are a couple of articles I've written with my teacher and mentor: Astrological Weather Report Richard J. Smoot, C.A.,NCGR Bon Rose Fine, MAFA How many times have you heard a report like this on the radio or television? Temperatures today were unseasonably mild with a high in the upper sixties. Winds are currently out of the Southwest at 15 miles per hour. The barometer is falling with a low pressure center out of the Northwest, bringing showers with a possible thunderstorm by tomorrow afternoon. Over the years we've become accustomed to weather broadcasts, using them to prepare for our day's activities. We usually keep the information in mind, taking along an umbrella if we hear that rain is expected, or making sure our gas tank is filled if the temperature is likely to be below freezing for a sustained period. We view weather reports as predictions, which are sometimes accurate, and sometimes not. Weather forecasters sift though mounds of technical data, piece together an interpretation, and then report a blend of their hard data based on experience, giving us their best guess. And a guess is just what it is, albeit an educated one. The wind changes speed or direction at the last minute, and that punishing storm which had been predicted, shifts to the South and dissipates. The future is always a hunch. No one knows for certain what will happen to us, the world, or anything beyond the here and now, yet we still try to "see" into the future. We like to believe that forewarned is forearmed, and we use many different methods to attempt to see trouble before it gets here. Historical, political and economic patterns and cycles are endlessly debated by our contemporary oracles, the talking heads and pundits on countless cable stations. The scientific and medical communities often release tantalizing tidbits about various research projects, and so, launch heated debates among the ethicists who project dire consequences or utopian results. Religious and spiritual leaders prophetize. Social scientists and behaviorists take note of lifestyle trends, and anticipate the impact on our collective experience. We put together predictions of many different types for many different uses, just as we do in astrology. Astrology is the study of the relationship between the macrocosm and the microcosm, using observations which correlate events in the sky to events on earth. Astrology has about a hundred centuries of experience in observation to draw upon. That's a lot of history, mythology, events, and research we can use to guide us in speculating about what works, and what doesn't. We ponder our connection to the Universe and wonder about a Master Plan. We look for metaphors to help us comprehend the seeming randomness of our life experiences. With astrology we can sort through the movements, cycles and patterns of the celestial bodies and make sense of the events which shape our personal evolvement. Returning to our weather analogy, if we suspect our plans will go better with particular weather, we'll tend to pay attention to the forecast, and may take action depending upon our personal circumstances. For example, let's say we're planning to visit a friend who lives out in the boondocks on a certain day, but we hear that a blizzard is being forecast. We might be inclined to beg off and plan the visit for another day. If, however, we own a Hummer, we'll be less concerned about the weather conditions, than if we drive, say, a Yugo. Another factor which may impact our decision to set forth despite impending poor weather, might be how much we'd enjoy being snowed in with this friend. If he or she is a great cook and a better lover, we might simply throw a change of clothes and a toothbrush into a tote bag, and cheerfully head off! How we choose to interact with the environment will depend greatly on what we have and value, the tangibles and intangibles. Just as our life experiences imprint us, and affect our ability to manage the here and now, so do our birth charts mark us with strengths and weaknesses which have an impact on our coping skills. A Michigan native can deal with the torments of the ice, snow and bitter cold of our winters with far more aplomb, than a transplanted southern Californian. A person born at a time that the planet Mercury was in apparent retrograde motion, is going to experience challenges in matters pertaining to communication. When Mercury goes retrograde, as it does about three times a year, we all experience frustration resulting from mixed-up messages and appointments, but the Mercury retrograde native usually handles this period scarcely missing a beat. It's just business as usual-- a snafu-- Systems Normal --All Fouled Up. Let's compare an astrological phenomena as it may appear in a birth chart, versus how it impacts all of us. Let us say a person is born with the planets Mars and Uranus about ninety degrees apart, what we call a square aspect. A traditional interpretation of this is that the person is easily irritated, potentially destructive, quick-tempered, even anti-social. For the rest of us, the one time a year that Mars and Uranus make a square in the heavens, it marks a time period of a week or less that an undercurrent of tension and aggressiveness is prevalent. For most people it's an exasperating week, marked by testy and latently combative encounters, but for the person born with this aspect, it's a personality trait. How we function within our environment can boil down to four basic questions: What kind of a person are you? What kind of a day are we all having? What kind of a day is a person like you likely to have? In what way do you choose to function under beneficial or adverse circumstances on this day? The same planet in a position can have two very different effects on two different people. Just as we all handle rain differently, we all have our own styles for experiencing Saturn transits. Certainly how one's natal planet is anchored will affect how we cope. Here's an example: Bon and Pat connected as friends almost right from their first meeting. Their Suns are within minutes of being exactly 120 degrees apart, a trine aspect which denotes an easy and harmonious energy. Bon's Sun is pretty well-supported in her natal chart with trines and sextiles; while Pat's is challenged by a square from Uranus and an opposition from Neptune. A few years ago, when Saturn was moving back and forth over 15 degrees of Aries, Bon reveled in a time when she enjoyed welcome responsibility, reward and recognition for her efforts. Saturn trining one's natal Sun will tend to bring those positive things to us. Pat, on the other hand, was experiencing countless frustrations and limitations, symbolized by Saturn conjunct her natal Sun. At one point, Pat snarled at Bon, muttering darkly, "You darn Sagittarians!" Of course, in the year 2016, the shoe will be on the other foot. Just as the storm clouds move on, and a rainy day ends with a rainbow and sunshine, the planets continue in their orbits, providing us with a variety of climates within which we can learn, grow and evolve. We'd love to see the day when the weather report would be truly meaningful, and might go something like this: Today the Moon will be in Cancer squaring Saturn, bringing possible emotional frustrations. This condition dissipates in the late afternoon when the Moon goes Void of Course and there is a need to suspend important decisions until after 8:00 PM. Tomorrow, Mercury will trine Mars, ushering in a productive period of business dealings. Copyright February, 2001 by B. Rose Fine & Richard J. Smoot  Venus: The Planet of Attraction Action By Richard J. Smoot and B. Rose Fine The deadline for this Beacon article coincided with the approach of Valentine's Day, so we were, of course, directed to thoughts of love. We were then aware, that by the time this Beacon was to be published and distributed, spring would have sprung, and as we all know, this is a starting signal for what every young man's and woman's fancy is turning to. We tend to associate spring with courtship and mating. This is the manifestation of Venus. In nature, the creatures of the forest are becoming "twitter-pated," like the cartoon critters in the film classic "Bambi," and are following the steps of their various mating dances. Yes, lurking intensely below the surface is the Plutonian energy which compels all of us to reproduce, but the easier-to-handle activities like smiling and winking, puffing out our feathers and sniffing each other, is the attraction principle at work. That's what the behavior of Venus is all about-- what we are drawn to and how we draw others to us. We are attracted by what smells, looks, feels, sounds, and tastes good. Mercury may rule our senses, but Venus addresses what pleases our senses. The sign and house in which Venus is placed in your natal chart gives us a picture of your relationship style-- how you attract others to you and the kinds of things which attract you. Venus in your natal chart represents your ability to be compatible with others, where and how you get your pleasure, your sense of fairness, and is the key to your ability to achieve harmony. The sign Venus is in gives clues to your sense of inner and outer beauty. If you don't know what sign your Venus is in, you may e-mail your birth data (the date, location and exact time of birth) to bonrosefine@comcast.net, and she will e-mail you back the sign and degree of your Venus. Please mention the Lighthouse Beacon in your request. You may also receive a copy of your natal chart which will show all your planetary placements, by sending your birth data, address and $1.00 (to cover postage and handling) to: B. Rose Fine; Beacon Offer; 3769 Fieldcrest Lane; Ypsilanti, MI 48197 Venus in Aries: When Venus is placed in the first sign, the person is often very aggressive and assertive in romantic matters. As a fire sign, Aries can be counted on to demonstrate lusty enthusiasm, and Venus in Aries people are usually passionate and ardent lovers. As a cardinal sign, physically directed Aries is far more inclined to get things started and often falls short in keeping things going. A challenge to courting or being courted by Aries Venuses, is that they are most comfortable at the pursuit stage. Once that's over, quite often, they're gone-- off conquering another heart. Ariens have a self-interested, "me" orientation, and tend to view other people as "the opposition." Venus in Taurus: Venus rules this sign and is very much at home with the cuddling, lovely gifts, and commitment to the relationship, we usually associate with True Romance. Physical and financial comfort is mandatory for people with this Venus sign, and even though earth signs are often carnal, Venus/Taurus folks are generally most fulfilled with the traditional candlelight, soft music and silk sheets-- all the accouterments of a romantic setting. Taurus is a fixed sign, and as such, Venus in Taurus can be a devoted and loyal lover. There is a passivity to this personality, as they are drawn to languid enjoyment. Security is very important and these folks can hang onto a relationship and never let go, out of stubbornness, habit, or pure laziness. Venus in Gemini: Variety is essential to this mutable air sign. Most drawn to others who can provide them with the intellectual stimulation of witty conversation and social interaction, they'll use their talent to amuse with clever remarks, to draw others to them. Although they are capable of devotion, often these people are very fickle. A way to keep them interested is to be as interesting as you can be; they are incredibly curious and as long as they think that you may have more information to offer them, Gemini Venus will keep coming back for more. Men with this placement earn the title of "charming," and women, "sweet." Venus in Cancer: People with this placement agree that nothing says lovin' like something from the oven. They will cook and bake their ways into your heart, and will take it as a sign of devotion if you do the same for them. As Cancer is the sign of nurturing, protection and domesticity, those with Venus in this sign are very marriage and family oriented. Cancer is a water sign, signaling an emotional nature, and they are given to extreme sensitivity in their romantic proclivities, and are highly likely to experience hurt feelings in relationships. Very sentimental about love, and quite conservative, they prefer traditional courtship and once a commitment is indicated, they insist upon fidelity and can disclose a jealous nature if they suspect unfaithfulness in their mate. Venus in Leo: These folks see an ego-fulfilling grandeur in love and often use the object of their affection for creative inspiration and self-expression. All the desire and passionate ardency of a fire sign comes on strong with this placement, and there can be more staying power than you might find with an Aries, as Leo is a fixed sign. They will seek to attract with a dramatic physical appearance, and will put a lot of attention into having fabulous hair and outfits; they want to turn heads. If you want a Venus Leo, do like the old Dusty Springfield song says, and "wear your hair just for him (or her) and do the things he (or she) likes to do." The Sun is the center of our solar system and the Venus in Leo person wants to be the center of your attention. Venus in Virgo: Why do virgins remain chaste and pure? Because they are waiting for the perfect person to come along, and nobody's perfect. Venus is said to be in its fall in the sign of Virgo, probably because love has a hard time bearing up to intense scrutiny and analysis. The Venus in Virgo person will be modest, unpretentious, and very discriminating about to whom they give their hearts. You can count on them to be groomed, squeaky-clean and devoted to health, and these qualities will be appropriately demonstrated as they try to put their best foot forward and hook up with a partner. Of course, it only makes sense that they'd be looking for these attributes in the object of their affection. Venus in Libra: Venus is at her best in Libra, showing herself to be personable, fair, easy-going and affable. People with this placement are blessed with the ability to attract others. These folks are charming indeed, but tend to express themselves primarily on intellectual and mental planes, rather than physical. Libra wants balance, and in a relationship will often do for a partner what they expect to receive in return. If their efforts are not reciprocated, they are hurt, but tend not to hold a grudge. Libran Venuses can easily relate to others since they view "we" as being more important than "me." Venus in Scorpio: Intensely fond of sensation, these people have incredibly deep desires. A friendly outward manner belies their passionate and sensual nature. This is a difficult placement for Venus because of the vigorous, Martian influence of Scorpio. Energy can be directed towards the animal self rather than the evolved self, and control over one's deepest emotions is essential, or the love principle can be misused, leading to possessiveness and jealousy. If you are interested in a Venus in Scorpio, please recall the warning on McDonald's fruit pies: "Caution: Filling is hot!" Venus in Sagittarius: In matters of the heart, Venus in Sagittarians are friendly, charming, well-versed, witty, personable, optimistic, honest and generous. They seem too good to be true, and actually, these delightful qualities often mask a very complex personality. With a breezy attitude toward love and life, these people tend to have a hard time with commitment, as they value independence and freedom. Jupiter rules Sagittarius, and it's important to remember that Jupiter represents risk-taking and game playing for fun. Love is a good time. Venus in Capricorn: Love is serious business to these people. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and so, love, like everything else, must be approached with caution and a drive to succeed. These people often present an image of self-assuredness, coolness and detachment, but can be rather timid and reserved in expressing their feelings. The love-style can be hampered by a fear of showing or giving too much of oneself, or believing one needs to always shield against being hurt. Quite shy in affairs of the heart, Capricorn Venuses often set themselves up for disappointments with overly cautious natures and by not reciprocating the love shown them. Venus in Aquarius: Cool, calm, collected and rather detached, these are very charming people, provided you can get their attention. They project a strong air of independence and confidence which makes them attractive to others. Venus in Aquarians can be committed to relationships, enjoying the intellectual stimulation, and they function very well in groups of friends and acquaintances; however, paying attention to the intricacies, intimacies and emotions of love towards one person is very difficult for them. Venus in Pisces: These people are sentimental, idealistic, caring, compassionate and sensitive, and absolutely love to love. Virtuosos of affection, they are sacrificing in love and not afraid to suffer. There may be some sadness in love, for their emotions run deep and they have a vast capacity for devotion which is rarely rooted in reality. Lessons of personal discrimination must be learned, as softness, tenderness and complete faith in the ideal is an intrinsic part of their nature. When emotionally hurt, these people retreat rather than face the difficulties. This is important to remember if you involved with Venus in Pisces. An apology, flowers and a box of candy are in order. Copyright March, 2000 by Richard Smoot & B. Rose Here's an article I wrote a few years ago: THE TECHNICAL ASTROLOGER by B. Rose Fine (originally published in the November/December 1996 issue of TouchStone: a journal of conscious living) It's hard to pick up a publication catering to astrology devotees, New Agers, or the metaphysical community, without flipping through a plethora of advertisements touting "your complete astrological profile and forecast for the coming year." A check, money order or charge card number mailed or phoned in (toll free numbers often available) can be exchanged for a personalized report written by world-class astrologers such as Steven Forrest, Julia Lupton and John Townley. The unbridled growth of technological advances has made it possible for anyone with a computer and the right software to call herself an astrologer. All the savvy entrepreneur needs to do is enter a client's birth data into any one of several excellent, user-friendly programs, the computer does its razzmatazz, and the printer spits out a booklet of a personalized astrological chart interpretation in plain English narrative. These reports can offer a personality profile, an update on current and upcoming events or cycles, or even (with the additional entry of a significant other's birth info), a compatibility report, describing the strengths and challenges of the relationship. There's a good news-bad news component to all this, of course. The good news is that astrology becomes ever-so-much more affordable and accessible to the average person. Compare $12-$25 for a basic natal chart report, to a professional astrologer's hourly fee which can range anywhere from $25 to Howmuchavyagot? (Joking aside, $50-85 per hour seems to be about par in the Detroit area for most experienced, credentialed chart readers.) It's always pleasant to have something tangible to show your friends, and a personalized book All About You is just plain fun. A comprehensive one-year forecast utilizing nearly all the transiting planets (the fast-moving Moon is usually excluded) can be purchased for about forty bucks. This would seem to render extraneous the value of the pulp astrology magazines which detail The Year Ahead For... (fill in your Sun-Sign) and offers the public guidance for the future which applies to about one-twelfth of the population. Computer-interpreted charts help to take astrology beyond the Sun-Sign approach, giving the consumer an inkling that there is a great deal more to astrology than those glib, generalized, one-size-fits-all statements they've grown accustomed to reading in "Your Daily Horoscope" as featured on the comics page. Although one might expect an experienced astrologer to disparage computer-generated chart interpretations, Richard Smoot, a professional member of the American Federation of Astrologers for twenty years, sees them as "providing a bridge to using astrology in a meaningful context." In addition to the benefits to consumers, the ambitious astrology student, willing to make the financial investment, is provided with the option of professionalizing years sooner than would ordinarily be expected or hoped for . And computer interpretations are a wonderful study aid, as well. Even a seasoned astrologer occasionally suffers from brain fade, and gropes in frustration for the elusive phrase to convey to a client what a particular aspect means. Whereby previously, he would have thumbed through a few cookbooks (astrology study books which list the common interpretations of planetary aspects, sign and house placements, in much the manner that a cookbook lists the ingredients of a recipe) in search of pertinent keywords, today he can boot up and take a peek at a full, albeit piecemeal, report of his client's chart. And, for the working astrologer who prefers to operate by mail, the programs which allow personal editing of the narrative text, will provide a jargon-free foundation upon which to base a professional report. We can top the list of bad news with the thorny issue of ethics. People with no commitment to the ideal of better living through astrology, suddenly can do what takes at least a couple of years of study to attain, and may, inaccurately, represent computerized interpretations as being "just as good" as a reading with an astrologer. That is simply not true. An astrological reading is complex and requires a synthesizing and blending of the interpretations. There are so many layers to the symbols, and specific aspects and placements ideally cannot be viewed independently; their effect can be mitigated and altered depending upon other aspects and factors in the chart. There is the danger that the computer chart report business operator has not had enough exposure to teachers such as Smoot, who emphasizes "the moral obligation to self and others," or astrological organizations which might impart the appropriate ethic. A person who gets into astrology for more than the money will be apt to read and seek to expand her consciousness, which can potentially trigger the realization that when one looks a person's chart, the soul can be seen, and therefore, utmost care is essential. Because of the sensitive, personal nature of a birth chart, there must be "respect of an individual's confidentiality," stresses Smoot. If someone has entered the field of Astrology prematurely, he may be assuming that professionalism only means you get paid, and not grasp the deep responsibility that comes with this work. Mass production can also lead to carelessness about or indifference to accurately processing the birth information. It takes time to be precise and double-check, and time is money, dontchaknow. It is annoying to get back a so-called personalized report which isn't so personal, with your name misspelled on every page, and more than annoying to find out that because the processor didn't allow for daylight savings time, your birth time is off by an hour. A Scorpio Ascendant might not be so thrilled to become a Sagittarius rising (you'll never hear them say a word to you about it, but they WILL get even!). When the profit motive is the dominant force driving a person's business, it is less likely that the consumer will be offered enough information to make an informed choice. It is considered good practice to encourage one's client to check his or her birth record to ensure accurate birth time, and after all efforts to obtain the proper time have been exhausted, then it's appropriate to offer a "Sunrise" time chart, based on the solar houses. The businessperson with dollar signs in his eyes might be inclined to blow off the importance of accurate time, and eager to get the moolah today, say, "You don't need to look for your birth certificate; Sunrise time is just as good." A Sunrise chart can offer valuable insights and the vast majority of aspects will remain the same, as will the planetary placements; but somewhere along the line, the client ought to be advised that lack of good birth time information can be a deterrent to a comparatively valid interpretation, especially insofar as the house positions are involved. So, what should be considered when choosing an astrological chart and report service? It would be wise to apply the same kind of process one would go through when selecting any kind of professional service. Knowledge is power, and you'll increase your chances of being satisfied if you take time to get good information. Make sure that there is a clear understanding about what you will be getting for your money. How many pages of data can you expect? Is postage and handling extra? Is there a discount for a large order? If the ad or brochure is ambiguous, call and ask for clarification; and if no telephone number is provided, write a short note and include a stamped, self-addressed envelope for the response. The conscientious business operator will welcome an opportunity to give you more and better information. Certainly membership in a professional astrological association, such as the American Federation of Astrologers, is an excellent sign that the chart service operator takes the science and art of astrology seriously, and subscribes to a code of ethics. The recommendation of a friend who's had a positive prior experience with a business is always advantageous. Sometimes a metaphysical bookstore or gift shop can make a recommendation or has an arrangement with a chart service. Do keep in mind, though, that when ordering through a retail business, your cost might be a bit higher as the shopkeeper, in consideration of his overhead, bumps up the price and takes a cut of the action. Most services are mail order and that can be as dubious as buying a pig in a poke; however, my personal experience has been excellent. If you have some qualms, but really want to take a chance, it might be wise to get a smaller, less expensive report in your first order and let your impression of that comparatively low-risk experience guide you in your willingness to do future business with that service. The advent of computerized astrological interpretations is just one more manifestation of the promise of the recent ingress of Uranus into Aquarius. As its ruler, Uranus is very powerful in Aquarius; both are linked by the concepts of technology, social change and humanitarian awareness. Symbolic of highly individualistic, progressive and brilliant thinking, this planet and sign also rule astrology. So, it's no small wonder that, now, of all times, incisive astrology is becoming available in such an egalitarian way. Nobody relishes the notion of being replaced by a computer, and astrologers are truly in no danger of being superseded by computer-generated chart interpretations. If anything, the availability of these reports are likely to arouse the enthusiastic interest of many who had previously felt that astrological counsel was beyond their means, or had rejected it as foolish because they did not recognize themselves in a vague Sun-Sign description. Any technique or device which encourages self-discovery and enables self-awareness is a boon for human beings who are yearning to achieve personal and spiritual growth. Computerized astrological chart interpretations are merely another tool in that process. Copyright 1996 by B. Rose Fine I am also an award-winning bad poet. Seriously! In May of 1999 I had the great honor of winning First Place in the Julia A. Moore Poetry Parody contest. You can check out my winning entry at my Bad Poetry web page, but here are another couple of poems I've entered in the contest over the years, which astrologers seem to like: 1998 FINALIST: HORRORSCOPE Pity poor Miss Mary Tolliver, Sought she out a famed astrologer. Slipped him a fifty so he'd acknowledge her. Said she, "Oh Wise One, I must confess, My life's in a tizzy, an awful mess. I am nearly two score and still husbandless." The astrologer perused her chart and said "Aha! I've got your answer. Your rising sign is Pisces and your Moon's afflicted in Cancer." This astrobabble that he spewed, of course, did not entrance her. Continued he, "Your seventh house, you know, has Virgo on the cusp And I care not for that cruel angle made by Uranus. You are star-crossed, my dear, 'tis no wonder your life's a bust." The astrologer said "Mary, you didn't inquire, But you're facing a transit which is fairly dire. Pluto is forming a square to your Sun And Mars' opposition to Venus has barely begun. The North Node of the Moon says there's a Karmic debt to pay. Saturn will be harshly aspected all through the month of May." The Mirror in the Sky did not on Mary blessings bestow. With heavy heart and eyes downcast, she drove away so slow. 'Twas then the Universe conspired to complete her tale of woe. In a nonce events manifested what the cosmos had portended When her '97 Saturn by a Taurus was rear-ended. An ambulance arrived and to Hospital she was sended. 'Twas Miss Mary's fortune as she hovered nigh to death, Fair Venus by progression did bequeath a kindness, And bade that Cupid's arrow pierce a passing doctor's breast. For countless hours by her bedside did the smitten doctor linger, And though languishing in coma deep, Miss Mary moved her finger. He adorned it with a two carat token of his love that he did bring her. Poor Mary's days are on the wane. Consciousness she'll ne'er regain. And on her headstone it will explain That this Miss won't miss her life of pain. As she came to the end of her days 'Neath her lover's worshipful gaze, Her lifelong wish had been fulfilled And ne'er would she know just how she'd been killed. Blissfully unaware was she that in her final hours Her life would serve as testament to the planetary powers. She ultimately experienced the essence of her being And died the bride of Doctor Jack Kevorkian. B. Rose Fine, 1998 2001 FINALIST THE TRAGIC DEMISE OF A NEW-AGER or HAVE A NICE AFTER-LIFE Her crystal's lost its luster, Her aura has gone muddy, Below her cobalt blue throat chakra Is a wound so deep and bloody. Late one sultry afternoon As Aries was hosting the transiting Moon, Mars was aspecting Uranus-- 'Twas so lethally angled; And Moonbeam Feingold's karma Became irreparably tangled. Moonbeam, such a peaceful soul was she, Had hung some wind chimes from a tree. The gentle sounds kept her centered As she'd go about her labor, But not so mellow and laid back Was Moonbeam's next door neighbor. A carnivorous and non-evolved man, (More likely than not, a Republican) He did not contemplate the Plan Of the Spirit Masters for us all. The guy just wanted to watch football. He was not the least bit quizzical Of matters metaphysical. The only Yogi he knew was Berra, Mention Goddess studies and he'd think of Farrah. The wind chimes would jingle and jangle all day And he couldn't hear the commentary on the instant replay. At last in a maddened, frenzied craze, The neighbor said "fooey" to her Feng Shui ways, And chucked a javelin from his track and field days Toward Moonbeam's window, slightly raised. Moonbeam, a-meditating in her home Was struck by the javelin in mid-Om. To avoid a gory explanation, Never again will she utter an affirmation. Her Tarot cards will gather dust. Her tofu will congeal to form an inedible crust. It's too late for Reiki or shiatsu acupressure. Aromatherapy would not cheer her or depress her. If you asked the I Ching or some tea leaves What was happening, The oracles would disclose that Her life force was now sappening Call her naturopathic healer-- She won't need another prescription, And tell The Mountain Astrologer To cancel her subscription. Her supper of mung beans will not be eated, Her time on this earth plane has been completed. Bon Rose Fine, 1995 revised, 2001 NOW, HERE'S A POEM I THINK IS A FAIRLY GOOD ONE; BUT, AS IT MADE AN INSENSITIVE ARIES-TYPE LAUGH HIS FOOL HEAD OFF, I MAY BE DELUDING MYSELF: SATURN ON MY MOON Got Saturn on my Moon Heart feels squeezed Like a bone-dry rag Deep sad heavy Like I could sigh for a year And still not be done Got Saturn on my Moon All the blues songs-- just for me (Oh Mama, it hurts) Fear's sittin' in my chest Why'd I do that? Why'd I do this? Yesterday's pain cuttin' through my soul. Got Saturn on my Moon. B. Rose Fine 1997 I HAVE ANOTHER WEB PAGE!! If you liked these poems, you may have a taste for bad poetry. As a past winner of the Julia Moore contest, I take my responsibility to spread it around seriously, and have compiled much of my poetry-- the stuff that was too good to be bad, and the stuff the judges thought worthy. You can find these poems at the site listed below. I'm also including the web page address for the Flint Public Library which will lead you to information about this contest Julia A. Moore, the QUEEN of bad poets! FIND BAD POETRY AT: http://members.aol.com/_ht_a/bonstarz/myhomepage/ http://www.flint.lib.mi.us/about/programs/jmoore/juliahome.html I LOVE HUMOR. HERE'S A LIST OF TACTICS WHICH WILL HELP YOU COERCE THE DIFFERENT SUN-SIGNS: I've heard it said that we only manipulate people to get love, and I think that's so very sweet and I'm sure that's sometimes the case. I do, however, believe that sometimes we manipulate people just because we want them to do stuff that we don't want to do. Now, I know I have the attention of all the Scorpios and Leos, but the rest of you, pay heed and learn. Here's how to manipulate someone as we go through the Zodiac. You want to get an ARIES to do for you? Promise him that he can be the very first one! How about a TAURUS? Well, if money's not involved, speak to her personal values. GEMINIS are easy. Just give them two choices. With CANCER, you must explain to her how very much it will mean to you. Dealing with a LEO? Just pay him lots of attention. To manipulate a VIRGO, give her practical, analytical reasons. With a LIBRA, demonstrate how it will keep the peace. A SCORPIO? Sexualize it. SAGITTARIANS will respond when you tell them how it will expand their horizons. With a CAPRICORN, tell him how useful his help will be. You can't tell AQUARIANS anything! Say to them, "Why don't we try an experiment?!" To a PISCES you say, "I'll just leave you alone so you can do this." Either that, or buy 'em a few drinks. SOME MORE LAUGHS! How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb? ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it? TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away. GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process. LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, but sometimes their agents will call a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one-millionth. LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you? SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.... PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
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